Sayings of the Jedi
by Siachi
Summary: The lost works of Master Jedi Wei the Pragmatist are revealed here for the first time. Plus! My Conversations With Yoda! The inside story the green goblin never wanted you to know!


Sayings of the Jedi

Recently social services on Gandiman IV were called to a private apartment building after a resident failed to respond to several machine-requests for food access. Inside was the empty clothes of one hundred and forty-three year-old Mr Wei, who had apparently vanished into thin-air right in front of several holocams. Social workers were shocked to discover that Mr Wei was not, as their records insisted, the retired shop-owner of the Jolly Three Dragon corner shop, but a reclusive Master Jedi-philosopher who had been in hiding since the dark days of the fall of the Old Republic.

The fact that he never emerged from hiding after the reestablishment of the Jedi Order led subsequent investigators to strongly suspect the old bugger had an exceptional oracular knack and foresaw the currant disasters. This theory is supported by the discovery of a file Wei kept during his years of exile, in which he analysed the reasons for his predicament, and tried to reshape the Jedi philosophy he felt certain was leading the organisation back to disaster. Wei wrote a number of documents in the traditional Jedi manner of linked verses, advocating a return to a more reality-based approach to life and better hairstyles for under-thirties. Extracts of the file, which has quickly been dubbed the 'pragmatic school' of Jedi thought, are printed below.

"It's not wrong to bring a knife to a gunfight if it's a double light-sabre."

_Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatic_

"Killing people is wrong, but sentient machines or scaly alien reptiliods are a ball."

_Conversations With The Darkside, Wei the Pragmatist_

"If surrounded by overwhelming numbers of enemy troops, surrender."

_Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatic_

"The Jedi Council is full of many wise and venerable old Jedi, strong in the Force. If you wish to become a wise and venerable old Jedi, strong in the Force, you should ignore it as often as possible."

_Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans_

"Removing vulnerable young kids from their parents, and forbidding them to form healthy long-term relationships as adults? Remind me whose bright idea that was again?"

_From My Conversations With Yoda_

"Cute blond kids driving under-age should be given a sound thrashing and grounded, not hailed as the saviour of the galaxy."

_From My Conversations With Yoda_

"Killing Sith in light-sabre duels is very emotionally satisfying, however much the same result can be achieved from saturating orbital bombardment."

_Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatist_

"Wearing flowing hooded robes may make you look cool and mysterious, but be aware they are catching, particularly in autofactories."

_Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans_

"Is it too much to expect some decent body armour on this job? Yes? How about a blaster then? At least give me a blaster."

_From My Conversations With Yoda_

"Never trust small elderly white men with soothing voices. They are vicious weasels who want to rip your head off. Kill them. Kill them now."

_Conversations With The Darkside, Wei the Pragmatist_

"There will be times in your life as a Jedi where everybody in the known galaxy has stopped killing each other. This period is known as 'the rearmament phase'."

_Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans_

"If everything in the Republic is running smoothly, you're about due an invasion of inscrutable aliens with unbeatable technology and nightmarish plans."

_Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatist_

"The Jedi Order and the New Republic are all about protecting and serving the citizens of the galaxy from the myriad threats to their existence. You will therefore be abandoned at the first sign of trouble."

_Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans_

"Give a refugee a fish and he will complain there are no chips. Hold a blaster to his head and he is your friend for life."

_Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatist_

"Seriously, just soak your robe with water. I'd like to see that motherfucker get all chain-lightening on your ass then."

_From My Conversations with Yoda _

"If your wife has been a galactic senator, a victorious resistance fighter and a head of state before she is thirty, it might make sense to at least occasionally actually ask for her advice, hmmmm?"

_Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans_


End file.
